I read a lot – always have, I hope I always will. My parents were both big readers and nobody ever ‘censored’ my reading material, so as quite a young teenager I was devouring books containing sexy incidents. I’ve shared here how what I read and the lyrics in songs got me curious about my body and the sexual experiences I could derive from alone time. By the time I was 17, despite plenty of heavy petting with myself, I’d had none with boys (I’m heterosexual, there’s never been an urge to try things with girls).
I was beginning to think of my ‘virginity’ as a bothersome thing, something I’d feel embarrassed to have to confess ownership of when I decided to take intimacy with a partner further. It was an unexpected shock that my first 3 encounters of foreplay left me feeling underwhelmed and frustrated.
Forewarned by my mother that losing my virginity might be more uncomfortable than exciting did not protect me from the crushing disappointment when my early boyfriends would only get me slightly horny and did not try to make me cum. A guy could go off like a rocket, really easily while I might get a buzz but be left with unsatisfied urges that gave me cramps like period pains and made me feel just as grumpy. I knew I could fly to heights of great pleasure, but the boys did not seem to have the wherewithall to take me there.
My friend Nero Black and I often chat about our sexual histories, finding much in common, hence he’s my ‘go to’ expert for sharing the male standpoint on the orgasm gap. He gives us a glimpse into his experiences:
In my early twenties my dick was always rock hard —the proverbial ‘rod of iron’— and women my age were keen to see it, touch it, grab it, and stuff it into their tight little pussies and make it squirt. If you could make them cum too then that was a bonus – but that was never the focus of our sexual encounters.
Back then (the 80s) women seemed more intent on getting the men off, almost as if that was the measure of their sexual power: I can make you cum —with my hand, my mouth, or my cunt— and leave you begging for more.
You should know I also worked diligently at giving back to my partners the same sexual pleasure they had given me. ‘Reciprocity’ was a real thing, baby. Using my hand, my mouth, or my cock— I’d leave you begging for more. Or wanted to.
Of course it was easier when they were in the 18-22 age bracket. It was all new and exciting to them and (yes, I’ll say it) it didn’t take much to get them wet and ready to fuck. By the time they were in their mid to late twenties however it was a whole new ball game – they’d had plenty of lovers and plenty of cock and (more importantly) plenty of bad sex. Enough to dampen their spirits, enough to make them look at you and think “yeah, I like you, but can you make me climax?”
As a man, being young dumb and full of cum wasn’t enough anymore. That’s when I first noticed the disparity. We were now both older, arguably ‘wiser’, and starting to replace hook ups with relationships. I’m told it’s different now but in the 90s the orgasm gap was accepted. You both worked on it —sometimes trying recreational drugs, toys, and kink— but invariably you’d ‘nest’ and just accept the 60/40 ratio.
Which gets even wider as you get older…
Back to Posy: At 19 I met my first serious boyfriend, though he was more experienced, we learned together. I flatter myself that I was more open minded than his previous girlfriends. A few of my stories are fictionalized versions of time spent with him.
I was only frustrated with our sex life towards the end, when familiarity bred contempt. We had lost the spark, we’d outgrown each other.
Launching myself back on the dating scene at 26 was tough, I wasn’t accustomed to the ‘game’ of flirting – used to being open and asking for what I wanted instead of being coy and stringing things out. I slept with a few jerks, was coaxed to endure blind dates by friends; It was a bumpy ride but I eventually found Mr Right.
But the orgasm gap was an issue at that stage. Guys put their moves on me, but few (if any) were trying to give me a sexual experience I would never forget, their goal was to ‘get their end away’. I remember one playing with my tits all evening, making me feel disgusted with myself, because I was not aroused in the slightest during the process. Due to my suspicion that he was just working his way through ‘the bases’ until I allowed him to have penetrative sex (which I didn’t) I never went out with him again.
The 4 Relationship Bases
First Base – Kissing
Second Base – Heavy Petting/Manual Stimulation
Third Base – Oral Stimulation
Home Run – Penetrative Sex
During my ‘dating’ phase I relied heavily on my vibrator, to relax me and provide orgasms that the awkward fumblings left me craving. Even once I was dating my OH I still used it until we learned to have mutually satisfying sex. Being the more experienced one, I feared scaring him off by getting too bossy in the bedroom or floating the idea of using toys as well as body parts to assist with our sexual satisfaction. In the fullness of time, he enjoyed my use of lingerie and vibrators to spice up our sex life, and I felt able to ask for the longer foreplay which my body needed.
At our wedding preparation classes, the vicar put forward this description of male v female arousal, which I’ve always thought was sound logic although I cringed when he said it.
Men are like a gas hob – turn it on and you have heat instantly
Women are like an electric ring – after flicking the switch, you need to wait for it to warm up.
Fast forward to my perimenopause, my sex drive was almost outstripping that of my OH. This was a bonus for us both, as it coincided with me owning more sex toys and us having more instances with the house to ourselves! Another happy coincidence was a newfound awareness that I could have more than one orgasm (in my 20s and 30s I was a 1 and done person).
I’d read an article about the orgasm gap in which the author encouraged females to just ‘go for it’ during sex and pursue our orgasms as single-mindedly as plenty of men seem to. I’d had times I’d been ‘nearly there’, but because my man wasn’t yet, I’d held off my climax only to succeed in evading it entirely. So I gave myself permission to cum first, which led to the discovery that I could often cum again, synchronised with my lover thundering towards the finish line himself. Win win!
I have to acknowledge that we might be experiencing another orgasm gap right now, my man and I, but it’s being masked by lockdown. One of our grown-up children lives at home, so we have not had sex for ages, although we encourage each other to grab solo play moments whenever they present themselves. My sex drive has reduced a lot in the last year (pressures of bereavement, lockdown, menopause), even affecting my erotic writing. My partner’s libido is changing too. We haven’t recently tackled intimacy/sex due to circumstances but partly (I suspect) out of a fear of discovering the extent of changes to our situation.
As always, communication is our key and I have high hopes in this case, as with other challenges we’ve faced, it will help pull us through.
Big thanks to Nero for his pithy contribution, we have written this post to link up with#WickedWednesday, #TheMenopauseDiaries & #4 Thoughts or Fiction meme where the very valid topic of Orgasm Gap is under discussion. Image courtesy of Pixlr.