2.5 minute read
The prompt for this week’s Food 4 Thought is Libido and the Tell Me About topic is Pleasure, I felt I could write a post.
When I heard that the lockdown meant everybody had to stay home and most could not work, scenarios flitted through my mind. I’d have loads of time to read and write and binge watch Netflix – yes that is how I fill my time. Of course I also considered the horror of catching Covid-19 alongside the constant, fear-filled battle that the medical profession would have to wage against the disease – but I stopped myself there before my anxiety took over.
Making a conscious decision to put my head in the sand, I carried on as if it was perpetually the weekend. Except – my family were all at home too, all of the time.
Each of us had our own challenge, my eldest is working from home, logged onto a computer and having virtual meetings. My younger child should have been revising for, then sitting, exams but instead attended a few final lectures online and is writing essays to deadlines instead. My OH runs the gauntlet of observing social distancing while shopping for our family and his mother. She lives alone and, having a severe breathing condition, must isolate. My kids cannot see their partners. They don’t even leave the house to exercise, because of their pollen allergy.
So no alone time for me – for any of us really.
Our house is not cramped, but it is modern. Sound really travels in its cavity walls – lying in bed I can hear shower gel and shampoo being placed on the shelf in the adjacent bathroom. I stay up later than everyone else (frequently) so I have to turn the TV volume low and creep around shutting doors quietly.
How does anybody find privacy and lose the fear of interruption enough to have a wank?
I can’t speak for the others, part of giving each other privacy is me not even thinking how they get round this dilemma. For me the solution is:
- Run the extractor fan
- Take a shower
- Use a vibrator
- Play music in the background
During the lockdown, I can’t have a long slow orgasm, with teasing and edging. There isn’t the luxury of lying down or watching myself in the mirror. Instead I need to be quick and efficient, to avoid the risk of using more than my share of hot water, or being overheard.
So I let the drumming warm water have it’s ‘awakening’ effect. I focus the buzz of the vibe on my clit and don’t let up. I use pinches and pulls, or perhaps rub with the loofah to stimulate my sensitive nipples. And I go for it as if there was a gold medal to win!
The odd thing I’ve noticed, however, is that I must persuade myself to give in to this pleasure.
In lockdown, I haven’t been horny in the slightest. Only one story I’ve written (Restaurant Games – with my co-author Sorcha Rowan) has got me wriggling and involved with the hot sexy action we were describing. I know an orgasm releases endorphins. I feel sure having one helps me release tensions and relax my body. Yet my mind argues against it. I tell myself “grab this moment, while everybody else is busy, you’ll regret it if you don’t.” Oddly I feel guilty. It feels selfish to steal a moment for myself.
I’ve seen people (Twitter / Bloggers) saying they feel too anxious to wank, that lockdown has stolen their libido away. Others are having vivid, disturbing dreams. MY OH goes to sleep early, he’s already had nearly 2 hours of sleep before I get into bed, but he feels tired all the time. Wearing a device on his wrist records whether he gets a good night’s sleep. I am sleeping better now. It’s nothing to do with lockdown, except that it began wasn’t long after my father died. In February and March my sleep was broken by grief and guilt.
I know that many are struggling because social distancing prevents them being with the ones they love. They are starved of the soothing comfort provided by touches and physical affection. While they crave this, I feel guilty to have it. My family unit is around me – my kids don’t like cuddles and kisses too much, but it’s possible if one of us wants it.
Luckily my dogs let me kiss and stroke them, and my OH doesn’t mind affection either!
To find out more about other people’s thoughts on libido or pleasure, follow the links hosted by Food4Thought and Tell Me About … The Erotic Journal Challenge‘s theme Love (and Life) in the Time of Corona