In which Posy ponders BDSM, and whether she could or should ever give it a whirl!
Since joining the kink community which surrounds the Twitter sex bloggers, I have begun to refer to myself as BDSM curious. I don’t know if it’s an actual ‘thing’ but I use the term as I love to read accounts of impact play and D/s scenarios, the wilder and the more outrageous the better (I suspect that many of these are written by folk like me who have not genuinely gone down that rabbit hole, but who write a good sexy tale).
Being middle-aged (gah! how I hate that label) and in a long term monogamous relationship, I doubt that I’ll ever venture into this kink scene for real. That said, my OH and I often push our own boundaries, we’ve tried more ‘new’ things in the last 18 months than ever before! Another thing about my relationship is that I am the bossy one in the bedroom and yet my yearning is to be dominated! In my vanilla life, I am quite a people-pleaser, fairly submissive in the workplace and within my family, yet there are some areas where I refuse to bow down: I want to say what goes, and my sex life has become one!
I have talked to a few dominant folk to get their take on things, equally I’ve talked to some submissives – hey I even did one of those silly on-line quizzes! I think I might possibly be a Switch … but the fantasies of domination continue, sometimes escalating until the erotica I find to read is never gritty enough to satisfy my craving (I spent a whole weekend on Fetish.com recently! – reading nothing but stories about fuck-toy training!)
What I have begun to wonder is … am I a submissive, but to a dominant side of my own personality?
For instance – my waxing regime. When I notice that my brazilian needs re-booking I’m never doing it for my OH’s benefit, I do it to keep the required smoothness my Inner-Dom requires of me. I feel the same about letting my pedicure chip or lapses in my leg and under-arm depilating. I am driven to look and feel right for my Inner-Dom. To add to this I have a kinky glee about the discomfort of the depilator and the hot waxing treatment (although my intimate waxing lady makes it much less painful than anywhere else I’ve tried).
I also glory in the swollen look my labia has after my brazilian – am I really weird? I have fantasies that my Inner-Dom would like to see my nipples or my labia pierced, or some sort of branding/tattoo that marks me as ‘theirs’. Fear of the pain and possible infection or numbness in the decorated area usually snaps me out of this fantasy! (I’ve had frequent problems recently with my ear piercings, which I’ve had for years so who knows why. It makes me think, what if I was prevented from enjoying sex as much as I do now because an intimate piercing wouldn’t heal? – Argh!)
I test drive all my sex toys solo – I choose them myself and I try them out when I’m alone. If I like them and feel that my OH can be trusted with them, then I introduce him to the toys and how to use them (He almost always says “O my good gawd!” before rising to the occasion and indulging me – although I often suspect he feels intimidated by them!) There! – that was another giveaway! I said if I ‘feel he can be trusted with them’. Analysis of that is : I don’t want to put him in charge of my pain! Perhaps this means I’m not confident he will pick up on the signals that something hurts too much or feels overwhelming, resulting in me not only feeling the opposite of sexy, but also feeling very angry with him.
I’ve read posts by BibulousOne who is often taken to the limits of his endurance of CP where he enters sub-space and feels euphoric, (if a little vulnerable afterwards) and I am fascinated. I also know he is a switch and likes to be on the receiving end of the ‘hitty things’ too, but is ever mindful of the responses of his play partner, detecting when she has taken enough.
Aftercare seems very important – the euphoric highs from D/s play often result in quite a ‘drop’ afterward. I can imagine, once the sexual emotions and urges are removed, a submissive person’s subconscious might think “why did the person who loves and usually protects me get joy from hurting me?” so the cuddles, strokes and other nurturing routines provided by the Dom/Domme are required to counteract these destructive thoughts. This is usually not dealt with in the ‘fantasy’ D/s tales, where the ‘master’ never comes out of strict/stern character!
I read a post by Joanne (guesting for Girl on the Net) in which a sub samples a fucking machine wearing a ball gag, but holds a bottle of lube which she can drop in lieu of a safeword (which she’d be unable to say if things got too much). Even in the ‘pop culture’ of D/s [50 Shades of Grey and similar stories] you will find safewords mentioned! A word is chosen that is close to the heart of the submissive but not in the regular language of sex play – so that when things get too much, or nearly too much they can say it and their Dom will call a halt to proceedings to check whether sub wants to stop completely or take a little breather/ time to process. The word must be a bit unusual because, while role playing, “stop”, “enough” or “don’t” could fly from the submissive’s lips without them really wanting the session to abort. Equally it should have ‘significance’ for the submissive so that, if they slip into subspace it’s still a word they can think of to say (I’m no expert, but subspace seems like a trance state where sensations and emotions are processed differently). JoannesReviews also explained to me that she uses a ‘traffic light system’ for safewords, which seems very wise, especially for the beginner or during extreme types of play!
I was also fascinated by Sissy Maid Melody’s attitude (responding to Bibulous1’s post where he discussed consent in response to Girl on the Net’s post) that even if her session became overwhelming, she knew she would not be able to use her safe word, her submissive attitude being the overriding factor. Melody has also written a post recently which gives a very balanced view on D/s contracts – hers and GotN’s are blogs to follow if you enjoy thoughtful, erudite pieces on issues affecting the kink community.
(Please do read their individual pieces, as I’ve over-simplified here).
I think my fear is that my OH – a bluff northern male (built like an ox who does endurance events) will not pick up on my signs of distress, if I was unable to use my safe word. Or conversely, he might be too gentle with me, feeling like he might break me, which would just frustrating! and could I depend on him for the correct after care? Jaime and Eye both reminded me recently that it is the submissive who holds ALL the power and that the play should be directed by them as to its intensity, but still I feel unsure if this role would even sit comfortably with my OH. He’s quite happy with vanilla sex!
Please those of you who know more about the D/s dynamic than me, give me your thoughts on this! Perhaps I am not alone in having this outlook without actually needing to try it out, after all many of us read gang bang, kidnap or incest stories without actually wanting to try it in real life. Perhaps I am just titilated by the ‘taboo’ of it as it is quite a leap away from the sex life I currently have.
I need lots of comments/feedback on this post please so that I can get my thoughts a little more ordered!
Since writing this posit I’ve been supplied with a wealth of information and support from fellow bloggers. Floss has written a post for #WickedWednesday which answers mine and my very next post tells you what happens when I try wrist cuffs and a paddle for the 1st time!
Dom/Domme Blogs I enjoy reading:
Submissive / Poly Life Blogs I enjoy reading:
CP – corporal punishment (spanking, caning, whipping etc.)
D/s – Dominant / submissive relationship dynamic
BDSM – bondage, domination, submission, masochism (a heading for several kinks which can be related)
Brazilian – intimate wax procedure which leaves no /only a thin strip of hair on the vulva.